What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

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They are buried together, in the same grave..

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

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Who then, do I blame.?

Would this be the day?

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

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She found it foreign!.

She married twice! .

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

Is the saying "nice guys finish last" true? Can good intentions always lead to positive outcomes?

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

But ive been too sick for many years..

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He was dying to do it , i knew.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

On the 31st of Jan this month .

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Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

She loved him until the end.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

Why do narcissists devour so much sugar (candy, ice cream, donuts, etc., in huge amounts at a time)?

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

Especially a lifetime of it.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

Ive learnt so much.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

This is how, and why children get BPD.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

I don,t even have a pension.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

I will be 64.

He resisted the act ,that day.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

But it wasn’t much.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

I waited trembling.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

When she asked me how she looked .

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

So whats the point in blame.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

And i lived it daily.

One cannot live in the past .

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

I never cut or harmed myself..

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

All the time i was locked up.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

He knew the spot.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

Why did i forgive my father ?

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

This is soul school!.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

I have no regrets .

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

I write beautiful poetry .

Was to survive, this bastard.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

(And it was in our own minds.)

I was scared of men, in general

My life is so biszare .

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

Put me off passion for life!!

I was seconnd youngest,

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

I did it because my mum asked me too!

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

My mum and dad in the seventies!

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

As i do to all so called friends.?

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

Im still living with it.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

We were not on the streets..

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

I think the readers, may guess!

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

My family never makes their pension either.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

So, i spoilt her more .

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

I said to her

It was going to be , some day.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

I could never make a relationship work though!

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

She was in good health!

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

She wouldn,t have been !

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

I couldn’t, believe it.

Comes on , in middle age.

I was 9 years of age.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

Where the ultimate outsiders.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

I had hoped to write a book about this .

Im dying but, im not bitter.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

I was very sick at this time too.

We all went to grammer schools

But, we were locked up after school.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

What did i know ?